Being that guy

I'm sitting in Bongo Java, the local coffee shop, right now. I can't help but think of the Family Guy quote: "Hey, I'm going to sit in this coffee shop and write in public!" This seems to be the only time I can find for the day. I've been running back and forth and finally got a chance to sit down and drain a large cup of dark-roast coffee. It's funny, today has been one of my busiest days in a while, I'm only half done, and I only had one class this morning at 8:00. It's slightly ridiculous, but I've only got a week and a half left of class here at Belmont.

Not much to report on. I've been playing with the guys of Trigger back home. We've played a few shows recently. Our main goal is to get a few shows lined up in the summer for the Nashville/Murfreesboro area. We want to make something of ourselves. Even though I've had my sights set on "neurosurgeon" for the past two years as a future profession, I have to admit it. If I got the chance to tour with a band or make it big (you know how the dreams go), I would take it in a heartbeat. There would always be time later to pick up where I left off with school.

For now, I'll practice my bass and study until my brain cries for a break. The later has been happening lately. I'll find myself going hard and then 9:00 pm rolls around, and I'm pretty much asleep where I stand. I've been falling out so early in the day, it has me waking up at 5:00 or 6:00 every morning. Sadly, the college community likes to assume that an early night would be midnight. It makes it hard for a guy like me with a very strict sleeping schedule to a.) make it to an event or b.) stay awake.

Blockade

Some of the more recent friendships I've tried to develop never went through the way I was hoping. So far, the cause seems to revolve around a general theme. I block people out of my life. I've had three people tell me they enjoy hanging out, but I put up these walls that make it difficult to really reach a level of comfort. That's essentially word-for-word what I typically hear. For most people, this would be an easy fix. Tear down the walls, be open, and have fun. The problem is, I already feel like I"m as open as I can be. I laugh, talk, try and spark new conversation, answer any question, and more. I feel if I'm an more open, I'm going to bleed out. I'm not the most outgoing, at least in social situations.

If I could see my walls, I would find a way past them. I'm not sure what else I can do other than keep trying. I have no idea if everybody feels like I block others out. I don't know if the people I grew up with feel like I do it, or even if I've only started to do it recently. Every time I try to be more outgoing and inviting, I feel like I'm doing well, but it's so taxing on my person that I can't keep it up. Does that make my enthusiasm a charade? I sure hope not.

This issue is the biggest thing I've dealt with since I've been in college. I still may be falling into my persona here. I don't want to be the quietest guy. I want to talk. I want to share everything I do with others. It's one thing to go and do something amazing. It's another to do something amazing with another person.

Anyone reading this?

I realize I have the link on my Facebook page, but it seems hardly anyone actually uses the links provided. So here I am, just writing about whatever I think about. It's like the morning pages I have to do for my colloquium class. The morning pages are three pages you write every morning (no matter what) as soon as you wake up. I usually brew my coffee first so I can sip at the same time. The purpose of these, as pointed out by The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, is to help uncover the true feelings that you harvest inside. Their supposed to be personal, but I've yet to go back and read through any of them. In the book the idea comes from, it made an interesting observation, and I really enjoyed reading it.

"The process of identifying a self inevitably involves loss as well as gain. We discover our boundaries, and those boundaries by definition separate us from our fellows. As we clarify our perceptions, we lose our misconceptions. As we eliminate ambiguity, we lose illusion as well. We arrive at clarity, and clarity creates change.
"I have outgrown this job," may appear in the morning pages. At first, it is a troubling perception. Over time, it becomes a call for action and then an action plan.
"This marriage is not working for me," the morning pages say. And then, "I wonder about couples therapy?" And then, "I wonder if I'm not just bored with me?"

The morning pages translate your immediate thoughts into your true thoughts. I feel so hokey actually trusting this kind of creative healing, but so far I've been able to see some improvement in the way I focus and how I approach my own emotions. I'm quick to act on immediate feelings. I have to pause, access, and then act. I let myself fall head over heels into everything I do, and it causes me to get torn up and function awkwardly in social situations. [I just took a moment to look at a couple entries in my morning page notebook] I've been doing them for about three weeks I suppose. Time seems to be crawling. At least, it has been the past week and a half or so. I've noticed that I often create an entry from stream of consciousness, and if someone's on my mind, that person usually ends up being my main topic for about two of the three pages.

Anyway, I could explain better in person.

Snowed in

So here's something I've barely had time for. Blog post! I'm currently snowed in on campus tonight. The snow storm caused a crazy mess of things in Nashville. Hardly any businesses are still open. There really hasn't been much to talk about here at school. I've been crazy stressed with a few assignments that were handed out on day one. Most of those are out of the way now, so I have a little breathing room.

Oh yeah, I cracked my knee on the shower in my dorm today. I was going to get a shower after a run, and after undressing, I went to turn and step in the 1960's designer tub and slammed my knee against the side. I was naked, so I was laughing and cursing, but I really didn't think anything of it. This was two hours ago. I can't barely walk on it, it's so sore right now.

That's all I really have for now.

Muay Thai

For those who know me, this may or may not come as a surprise. I don't think many individuals view me as someone who could actually harm another human being, but I'm sure others know I'm always off on some crazy new adventure. So here's my new adventure. My friend, Anderson, and I have been working out pretty religiously the past couple weeks (he was actually training me as a part of a Belmont program, and we've been working out since). We started talking one day about new things to try for our training, and martial arts came up. We've never had any real experience in the matter, but it's never to late to start, right?

So we researched around and found a gym today that can teach us Muay Thai and Jiu Jitsu. There's also a full weight area and obscure training gear (tires, ropes, sledgehammers, the manly stuff), and it all seems right up our alley. We have a private lesson, then a trial month coming up next week, so wish us luck! I've had other friends who had black belts in karate and various disciplines, and I want to be one, too. I figure with unlimited classes per week (anywhere between 4 and 8 I could actually make) and three and half years to go at Belmont, I may have a shot at it.

Finals Approaching

Here we are, the end of my first semester at college. To be honest, I'm not worried about finals - no cramming required. Two of my four exams will be like regular tests, just with the word final at the top, one other is cumulative, and another is a presentation. I feel that the past week or so I have had very little to do work-wise, yet there has been more going on than any other time of year. I'll be glad when things settle down. Once I'm home, I can focus on more music-oriented goals. Plus, it'll be Christmas! I've been trying to feel the time of year with some music, but I don't have anything more than a James Taylor and a Sarah McLachlan singing a couple of holiday melodies, which is always a winning scenario.

I don't have a lot to say today. I find myself very disappointed with a test grade I got back today. Granted, it was an 84, but I know I can do better, and I thought I did do better. I should probably study a little more. I knew the material, though I guess I could have used a little more prep beforehand. It's good that I realize this now before, and not after finals. Part of me feels like I should be smarter. An 84 on a test seems exceptionally low for me. I don't know if that's because of the high school I came from or what. Even my other classes here are at least an A. I just want to excel.

This wasn't a very exciting post. That said, I need more followers! If you happen to be reading this and aren't a member of blogspot, you should join. Hey, you never know, you may start blogging as well. Some days you'll have true insight, others you won't (as was my case today).

I'm also still trying to come up with a general theme for this blog. It seems to be nothing above the ordinary so far, but maybe I can detail enough to keep it interesting.

Catfish

I'm not sure how many of you actually read this blog, but I'm sure that if you do, you must have read or heard something about me being food poisoned this weekend. The actual debate of whether it was food poisoning is still in the air, but I'm sticking with it. Yesterday, I went to a local restaurant (you can ask me the specifics later) that is frequented by people of all ages, though it can be said that they may benefit from having an "early bird" special. For some reason, when I was ordering, I chose to go with the baked Cajun catfish. I don't typically get the fish, especially if it's not fried, but something inclined me to order it. It may have been the desire to get a serving of fish oils, but I should have known that catfish is about the equivalent of a dog in nutritional value. The funny thing is I really just want a hamburger, so this whole ordeal could have been avoided.

So I ate the fish, thinking the whole time, this doesn't feel right. By "feel," I mean I wasn't sure if it had been completely cooked. I wasn't even that hungry to begin with, but for some reason I kept eating. After the meal I didn't think any more of it, cause I felt pretty okay, even after ingestion.

About three hours later, I started getting an odd bloated sensation in my gut. It wasn't like a gassy feeling, it was like it was full of something that was growing. I took an herbal digestive aid, and hoped for the best. Another hour passes, and I want to head to the gym so I can keep my schedule on track. Because I'm in to the sort of thing, I took a serving of a pre-workout supplement (again ask later for specifics. I don't want to get in trouble for trademark or anything due to criticism). Another mistake. The bloated feeling amplified and turned into massive stomach cramp. So here I am, trying to workout, doubled over in abdominal pain that comes and goes, so I have to wait about 2-3 minutes between sets.

I manage to finish, and then my friend Justin arrives at the gym because I suggested we could run together. We start our jog, and I'm thinking "If I can puke, maybe I'll feel better" knowing that I would be able to eat Thanksgiving leftovers later. We run maybe 1.3 miles, and my stomach contents are still intact. We make it back to my house, and we start pulling out the leftovers to be heated up. About now is when I feel that I could puke. I briskly walk to the bathroom and proceed to vomit. Vomit, however, would be an understatement (Justin overheard my expulsion and thought I was peeing, if that helps paint a picture). I wanted to be clear of whatever was setting camp in my stomach, but in the process of evacuation, I couldn't open my mouth side enough. Nor could I find a break in the action to take a breath of air.

So anyway, that happened, and then I ate leftovers, because, naturally, I felt better. Justin and I then left for a performance event held by the high school we graduated from. We were there maybe 20 minutes when I said I can't stay here any longer. He drove me, so we went back the house, and I laid on the couch in pain. My bodily functions had begun to fail, and found myself headed to the bathroom several times, until 9 o'clock when my stomach contents were, again, emptied. It wasn't my proudest moment, because when I get sick, I often black out or come close to fainting. So mid-process, I fell in the floor and have been working on cleaning the stains out of my clothes from last night.

So here I am, about 24 hours since eating the food, and I feel fine, other than a little taxes when walking around.

The reason that this may not be food poisoning is because my niece was sick a few evenings ago, and the incubation period would make since for me not to get sick until 3 days later. Also, I discovered that my brother had been violently ill all last night, after waking up before dawn. He's still out for the count at the moment, and he seems to have been hit harder than I did.

Regardless, I hate being sick.