Some of the more recent friendships I've tried to develop never went through the way I was hoping. So far, the cause seems to revolve around a general theme. I block people out of my life. I've had three people tell me they enjoy hanging out, but I put up these walls that make it difficult to really reach a level of comfort. That's essentially word-for-word what I typically hear. For most people, this would be an easy fix. Tear down the walls, be open, and have fun. The problem is, I already feel like I"m as open as I can be. I laugh, talk, try and spark new conversation, answer any question, and more. I feel if I'm an more open, I'm going to bleed out. I'm not the most outgoing, at least in social situations.
If I could see my walls, I would find a way past them. I'm not sure what else I can do other than keep trying. I have no idea if everybody feels like I block others out. I don't know if the people I grew up with feel like I do it, or even if I've only started to do it recently. Every time I try to be more outgoing and inviting, I feel like I'm doing well, but it's so taxing on my person that I can't keep it up. Does that make my enthusiasm a charade? I sure hope not.
This issue is the biggest thing I've dealt with since I've been in college. I still may be falling into my persona here. I don't want to be the quietest guy. I want to talk. I want to share everything I do with others. It's one thing to go and do something amazing. It's another to do something amazing with another person.
1 comment:
talking isn't the only form of expression, though. written word and music and arts of all kinds can be good outlets if you let them.
and too: the only way i can cope with life everyday without feeling like i'm dead is realizing that a million people don't have to know your name to achieve amazing-ness. letting your imagination roam and just doing whatever you feel compelled to do, within just a little bit of reason, is the best feeling in the world if you let it through. you're the movie, and everyone else can watch if they want to, whether you're aware or not you know?
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