Being that guy

I'm sitting in Bongo Java, the local coffee shop, right now. I can't help but think of the Family Guy quote: "Hey, I'm going to sit in this coffee shop and write in public!" This seems to be the only time I can find for the day. I've been running back and forth and finally got a chance to sit down and drain a large cup of dark-roast coffee. It's funny, today has been one of my busiest days in a while, I'm only half done, and I only had one class this morning at 8:00. It's slightly ridiculous, but I've only got a week and a half left of class here at Belmont.

Not much to report on. I've been playing with the guys of Trigger back home. We've played a few shows recently. Our main goal is to get a few shows lined up in the summer for the Nashville/Murfreesboro area. We want to make something of ourselves. Even though I've had my sights set on "neurosurgeon" for the past two years as a future profession, I have to admit it. If I got the chance to tour with a band or make it big (you know how the dreams go), I would take it in a heartbeat. There would always be time later to pick up where I left off with school.

For now, I'll practice my bass and study until my brain cries for a break. The later has been happening lately. I'll find myself going hard and then 9:00 pm rolls around, and I'm pretty much asleep where I stand. I've been falling out so early in the day, it has me waking up at 5:00 or 6:00 every morning. Sadly, the college community likes to assume that an early night would be midnight. It makes it hard for a guy like me with a very strict sleeping schedule to a.) make it to an event or b.) stay awake.

Blockade

Some of the more recent friendships I've tried to develop never went through the way I was hoping. So far, the cause seems to revolve around a general theme. I block people out of my life. I've had three people tell me they enjoy hanging out, but I put up these walls that make it difficult to really reach a level of comfort. That's essentially word-for-word what I typically hear. For most people, this would be an easy fix. Tear down the walls, be open, and have fun. The problem is, I already feel like I"m as open as I can be. I laugh, talk, try and spark new conversation, answer any question, and more. I feel if I'm an more open, I'm going to bleed out. I'm not the most outgoing, at least in social situations.

If I could see my walls, I would find a way past them. I'm not sure what else I can do other than keep trying. I have no idea if everybody feels like I block others out. I don't know if the people I grew up with feel like I do it, or even if I've only started to do it recently. Every time I try to be more outgoing and inviting, I feel like I'm doing well, but it's so taxing on my person that I can't keep it up. Does that make my enthusiasm a charade? I sure hope not.

This issue is the biggest thing I've dealt with since I've been in college. I still may be falling into my persona here. I don't want to be the quietest guy. I want to talk. I want to share everything I do with others. It's one thing to go and do something amazing. It's another to do something amazing with another person.