Bought to be school time

So here it is, a day and a half until move-in (again) to the old college dorm. I should say "old" because I'm actually getting an upgrade in terms of space and cleanliness. My previous room had a permanent-sticky-green-fuzzy substance right where I would put my hand up to pull something off the shelf in my closet. I don't think I'll run into that problem again. I'm living with the same guy as last year. We get along pretty well. If not for him, I would not have discovered "Dubstep." If you don't know what that is, you will have your mind rocked when you first listen to it. Trust me.

I have a notebook sitting on my desk that came from China. It's leather-bound and imprinting with characters that translate to "Learning has no end." I find it to be truly symbolic. A part of me wants to fill it with every little detail and observation. The other part feels it's too significant to write down any old jargon. It seems like filling it in would continue my quest for knowledge. If I fill it completely, then what next? You tell me.

If you're reading this, I want you to check out mine and Trae's new podcast (www.newsasweseeit.com).

Summer doesn't require much mental exertion

Which is exactly why I'm writing today. The extent of my learning this summer has included listening to a book on tape and reading Men's Health Magazine. There's the occasional music instrument, but that's not the side of the brain I need to focus on. I realize that once school starts into swing, I'm going to be swamped. It'll take a few good weeks for me to get back in the habit of... what, thinking?

Summer's getting full, and I'm about to be done. I've got a few music teaching gigs, and hopefully a road trip of two with friends and/or family. I love the open road. The nomad in me likes to get ramblin' on. I often go back to thinking of my desire to be a lumberjack. It'd keep me active, to say the least.

I want to live outdoors.

My head is a little erratic today. (I say it every time but) I'm going to try and stay dedicated to writing. Maybe I'll be able to organize my thoughts a little better after a week r two. Wish me luck.

A little knowledge

I just finished David Sedaris' book When You Are Engulfed in Flames. It has been one of my favorite reads in a pretty long time. His writing style is that of something I could only hope to achieve. His bluntness, his observations, his inner thoughts are all so colorfully worded and really speak to the human mind. I found myself totally engrossed in the chapters, unable to break my focus. I don't know what brilliant message I have now that I have read all the way through it. It inspires me to try and word every experience into something extravagant. His entire life (or at least most of it) is detailed in this book, and there are so many stories that are obscure or what some would originally call simple that he is able to explore and really embellish on every details and minor things from his memory.

I found myself comparing myself to him a lot in his book. In one passage, he talks about having the ability to request even the most frivolous of items delivered to one of the many hotel rooms he might be staying. Instead, he might feel to guilty to place a burden on anyone else. I think of myself in a similar manner. I could have all the power in the world, but would still take out my own garbage.

I wonder how difficult it would be for me to write what I have experienced. I don't feel like I have the best stories, or even the funniest. My memory is good, but I don't remember the label or slogan of the last pack of toilet paper I bought was. I'm encouraged to sit down and attempt it. I say I want to attempt a lot of things - comics, art, music. I usually get to a competent area of completion and then I stop. Most often, it's because of time restraints. Everyone knows how college likes to absorb every minute, and sleep conquers the rest. I know I'm capable of setting aside 15 minutes to an hour every day to just write or practice a musical instrument or something that can help me better myself and step towards something else. I just get distracted easily.

The things I have done every day that have grown habit are taxing since college. I remember having skilled hands with a pair of drumsticks. I remember having an inner voice that spoke wisdom. I am out of practice. I'm constantly looking for ways to do it all. By all, I mean everything in the world. I want to learn the arts, languages, writing, automobiles, martial arts, science, sports, training, everything. I've spent my whole life trying new things, I need to slow down, and dedicate myself to only a few important ones. I can't keep my love and passions in one area long to let them grow into something more significant. I often feel I'm neglecting myself for the things I need. I don't blame myself, but I do feel regret when I don't pursue something to the best of my abilities. Other times, I don't feel it's my fault and somebody else should be pushing me. It sounds selfish and arrogant to blame anyone but me for my shortcomings, but it's there in my mind. It may be in all of our minds.

Being that guy

I'm sitting in Bongo Java, the local coffee shop, right now. I can't help but think of the Family Guy quote: "Hey, I'm going to sit in this coffee shop and write in public!" This seems to be the only time I can find for the day. I've been running back and forth and finally got a chance to sit down and drain a large cup of dark-roast coffee. It's funny, today has been one of my busiest days in a while, I'm only half done, and I only had one class this morning at 8:00. It's slightly ridiculous, but I've only got a week and a half left of class here at Belmont.

Not much to report on. I've been playing with the guys of Trigger back home. We've played a few shows recently. Our main goal is to get a few shows lined up in the summer for the Nashville/Murfreesboro area. We want to make something of ourselves. Even though I've had my sights set on "neurosurgeon" for the past two years as a future profession, I have to admit it. If I got the chance to tour with a band or make it big (you know how the dreams go), I would take it in a heartbeat. There would always be time later to pick up where I left off with school.

For now, I'll practice my bass and study until my brain cries for a break. The later has been happening lately. I'll find myself going hard and then 9:00 pm rolls around, and I'm pretty much asleep where I stand. I've been falling out so early in the day, it has me waking up at 5:00 or 6:00 every morning. Sadly, the college community likes to assume that an early night would be midnight. It makes it hard for a guy like me with a very strict sleeping schedule to a.) make it to an event or b.) stay awake.

Blockade

Some of the more recent friendships I've tried to develop never went through the way I was hoping. So far, the cause seems to revolve around a general theme. I block people out of my life. I've had three people tell me they enjoy hanging out, but I put up these walls that make it difficult to really reach a level of comfort. That's essentially word-for-word what I typically hear. For most people, this would be an easy fix. Tear down the walls, be open, and have fun. The problem is, I already feel like I"m as open as I can be. I laugh, talk, try and spark new conversation, answer any question, and more. I feel if I'm an more open, I'm going to bleed out. I'm not the most outgoing, at least in social situations.

If I could see my walls, I would find a way past them. I'm not sure what else I can do other than keep trying. I have no idea if everybody feels like I block others out. I don't know if the people I grew up with feel like I do it, or even if I've only started to do it recently. Every time I try to be more outgoing and inviting, I feel like I'm doing well, but it's so taxing on my person that I can't keep it up. Does that make my enthusiasm a charade? I sure hope not.

This issue is the biggest thing I've dealt with since I've been in college. I still may be falling into my persona here. I don't want to be the quietest guy. I want to talk. I want to share everything I do with others. It's one thing to go and do something amazing. It's another to do something amazing with another person.

Anyone reading this?

I realize I have the link on my Facebook page, but it seems hardly anyone actually uses the links provided. So here I am, just writing about whatever I think about. It's like the morning pages I have to do for my colloquium class. The morning pages are three pages you write every morning (no matter what) as soon as you wake up. I usually brew my coffee first so I can sip at the same time. The purpose of these, as pointed out by The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, is to help uncover the true feelings that you harvest inside. Their supposed to be personal, but I've yet to go back and read through any of them. In the book the idea comes from, it made an interesting observation, and I really enjoyed reading it.

"The process of identifying a self inevitably involves loss as well as gain. We discover our boundaries, and those boundaries by definition separate us from our fellows. As we clarify our perceptions, we lose our misconceptions. As we eliminate ambiguity, we lose illusion as well. We arrive at clarity, and clarity creates change.
"I have outgrown this job," may appear in the morning pages. At first, it is a troubling perception. Over time, it becomes a call for action and then an action plan.
"This marriage is not working for me," the morning pages say. And then, "I wonder about couples therapy?" And then, "I wonder if I'm not just bored with me?"

The morning pages translate your immediate thoughts into your true thoughts. I feel so hokey actually trusting this kind of creative healing, but so far I've been able to see some improvement in the way I focus and how I approach my own emotions. I'm quick to act on immediate feelings. I have to pause, access, and then act. I let myself fall head over heels into everything I do, and it causes me to get torn up and function awkwardly in social situations. [I just took a moment to look at a couple entries in my morning page notebook] I've been doing them for about three weeks I suppose. Time seems to be crawling. At least, it has been the past week and a half or so. I've noticed that I often create an entry from stream of consciousness, and if someone's on my mind, that person usually ends up being my main topic for about two of the three pages.

Anyway, I could explain better in person.

Snowed in

So here's something I've barely had time for. Blog post! I'm currently snowed in on campus tonight. The snow storm caused a crazy mess of things in Nashville. Hardly any businesses are still open. There really hasn't been much to talk about here at school. I've been crazy stressed with a few assignments that were handed out on day one. Most of those are out of the way now, so I have a little breathing room.

Oh yeah, I cracked my knee on the shower in my dorm today. I was going to get a shower after a run, and after undressing, I went to turn and step in the 1960's designer tub and slammed my knee against the side. I was naked, so I was laughing and cursing, but I really didn't think anything of it. This was two hours ago. I can't barely walk on it, it's so sore right now.

That's all I really have for now.